My Anxiety Attacks

Hello World,

I know I have been absent lately. In fact, a lot of times.. this is because I have been going through some personal problems that I need to overcome one way or another.

I have discovered, well, more like accepted the fact that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety that became worse when I came in this country.

At first I thought that it’s just a “Mind over Matter” thing. I thought that it is something that I can get over with over a few hours of sleep but truth is it is not.

A lot of people are unknowingly suffering from this condition. Maybe you have bouts of mood swings and feelings of helplessness without even knowing why – this my friend, is a red flag that you should watch out for. I know because I have been brushing this feeling off for a very long time. In fact, 12 years in the making and it has only now that I came to accept the fact that I do have it.

I am guessing that my depression and anxiety stemmed after my mother died and soon after my father passed. I never truly grieved because after they died I had to pick myself up and start living on my own. Another reason is the failed relationships that I’ve had, one being in the longest (about 7 years) that I never really gotten over with. That being said, these thoughts have clouded my mind and I have been struggling since.

I haven’t seen a shrink yet. I know I should have a long time ago but my financial status was horrible and although I am earning okay now, I still am not in the position to have regular therapy. However, I do plan on getting checked after I go home in the Philippines. I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts and these panic attacks have been going on for some time. I need help, I know and I am hoping that when I have the time, I can focus on my mental health.

If you are suffering from depression like me, please get help. I don’t recommend what I did – brushing it off because it will only get worse. So please seek help as soon as you can.

For now I am trying not to think too much, thus, I started writing again. I am going to use this as a form of catharsis for now. After all, this is the only outlet I have here.

Till next time guys.

 

AJ

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Today is a New Day

Hello

I haven’t blogged or posted anything in quite a while. A lot of things happened. A lot in fact that I dont know where to start.

Moved to Jeddah

I moved to this country last April and I have been struggling to juggle work and time to open my laptop.. and being with myself you know. Work here is different, it’s more physical than mental and I wish I was back to my old job back in the Philippines. Regrets, I know. They always come last but while I am here, I might as well take the time to really grasp things. I will try to blog as much as I can.

Poetry

I always write poems in my head but I rarely got to write them down. Wifi sucks in this accommodation so I have to find the right time to use it. I have a lot of things to write, poetry is one. So I will try my best to post as much.

Heartbreak

Yes, it’s a struggle but I am moving on. I am in a rollercoaster of emotions these days and I hope that I can get out of this storm in one piece. I need all the your prayers guys.

Updates on this blog

I’m planning to change this blog. I will still post poetries but I might also add a few things. I will talk about a few stuffs too. Maybe post some art.. still making plans but I will try my best to get it going.

Life Goes On

And like always, life goes on. No matter how much struggle we are all facing, we must always endure. I pray I endure whatever I am going through and I pray the same for you. Stay with me, and thank you for being patient.

 

Love,

April Jed

Broken Jars

our spirits are unbreakable
like thunder and lightning, we go together..
and Zeus must be so proud
our souls are unbroken
yet time is not our friend
it never was

but you are my red strings of fate
forever tangled but never cut
coiled in many ways
our paths are astrayed
yet our minds are one

our hearts are set for something greater
perhaps not even at all
but i know that where your heart is
i am also
and the cycle goes

i will wait for the day when we can tell them our story
tell the world our love
of how it was, of how it was not and how it came to be
one day i wont be wishing for that day..
one day i wont be singing sad songs..
because i will be yours and you will be mine
our souls shall intertwine.

 

 

 

April Jed 061416

10 Year Confession

To the person who took my soul,

I have always loved you. I know I have, even from the very first time that I met you. The only problem is, I loved you way too much that I lost a part of myself.

I have always wanted you to love me the way I had loved you.. to have the same passion and dedication that I had given you.

I wanted you to look at me and tell me you love me. I wanted you to hold me even when I am not asking for it. I wanted you to held my hand so I dont have to look for yours. I wanted you to kiss me, passionately.. exceedingly.. I wanted you to write me poems and songs.. and even if you didn’t had the words, I would understand.. I wanted you to need me.. to want me the way I had wanted you.. to hold me as close as I have wanted you to.. but I.. all I ever had were cold shoulders and blank canvasses.. I never had flowers.. I never had surprises.. I never had romantic walks on the beach or poetries before we sleep.. just the cold side of the bed.. You never gave me sweet glances.. you never gave me kisses.. I had to work for them just so I can have your lips. I had to be patient and wait for your time.. I was always the second choice and never the first.

I had always wondered if you ever loved me. Or was that you pretending for the last 10 years? I guess you have to figure that out now.

Fuck off, loser.

 

 

 

April Jed 060216

How it Feels Like to Love Someone Who Can’t Fully Love You Back

You might have heard this cliche of a story. You probably would say that people who stay in this kind of relationships are either stupid or too dumb.

I’m neither. All I know is that I love him.

Yet..

He cannot fully love me back.

Why you ask?

Guilt. Fear. Shame. Self-loathing.

These are the things that kept us apart. He is all that.

And I, I feel trapped.

I can’t fully move on. I can’t fully heal. I can’t be fully happy.

There are days when I feel like I am dying. I feel unloved and unwanted. Yet I keep giving love that is and never will be given back to me in return.

That’s okay.

No it’s not.

It’s not okay.

I can’t breathe anymore.

I need love.

I need to be loved.

I want love.

Or I will die.

But the one person that I need in this world is someone I cannot and no longer have.

I am breaking into small pieces.

And bit by bit.. I am fading away.

I dont want to fade away.

I don’t want to be “just a memory”..

I want to be his life. The one he holds close. The one he holds hands and kisses good night.

I want to be the one he sleeps into.

I want to be the one..

But my desire to be needed by him is such a losing game.

I lost.

Though I bargained all my chips and cards.

I lost.

Now I feel like drowning. The saltiness of the sea filling my nose and lungs that no matter how hard I fight to live, to breathe.. I am sinking, slowly, suddenly and all at once.

I am dying.

I crave for his attention.. his focus.. his goal. I crave for his arms when I know I could never belong there.

I crave for his lips. I crave for the toxic kisses that sent me dying and living.

I crave for him.

And now I can’t be there.

I can’t have him anymore.

I can’t have his love.

I can’t.

I am dead.

I am dead to him.

I am dead to myself.

I am gone.

Gone forever.

 

 

 

 

April Jed 042316

Hello, I am Here to Remind You That You are Special

Hello, I’m back from the dead. It’s been a while since I last posted ANYTHING in this blog. Life got busy for me and I always find it hard to gather my thoughts and write something.

I’m still here. Just taping together the remains. Still struggling. Still fighting. Maybe one day I will wake up to something that I want in my life but for now, this is a constant struggle.

I am not ashamed to say that I am still battling my chronic depression. It’s not easy but who said it’s easy anyway? I know you are suffering from the same condition as I am and I would like to tell you that it’s okay to feel this way as long as we pick ourselves and dont give up on something that we love to do. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to feel hopeless but whenever you find hope, grab on to them and use them whenever you can.

We are not alone, in fact, you and I are not the only ones in this boat and so, NEVER GIVE UP. If they can do it, we can too.

Just hang in there.

 

 

 

April Jed 041716

 

The Giver of Hearts

a resonating smile
built on hollow chest
a carefree laughter
rooted under an empty bliss
the fascination for life
has left her hoping
but deep inside there are holes left to be filled in

the scars are reminders
the scabs are torn
the wounds go deeper
the soul wounded like before

an empty house
sits an empty chair
she has given her heart of hears
what else can she bare?

 

 

 

April Jed 12/25/15

At Sea

I am a lonely soul.. often wondering and wandering.

I am drifting like I have never drifted before.. away from the shore and into the vast oceans of despair and loneliness.

My heart cries out to the moon.. to the spirits who have forgotten me.. to the souls of those who had left me..

I am longing.

To be held.. to be touched..

I ache for warmth.. for a slither of warm bodies.. for a kiss.. for an embrace.

I ache for company.. for the pleasure of being talked to.. to be loved.. yes to be loved.

I ache to be loved..

Yet, here I am.. constantly drifting.. farther.. and farther..

I am slowing fading.. losing my identity.. losing the very person that I am.

Somebody save me.. give me back my being.. give me back myself..

Somebody..

I am a lonely soul lost at sea. Drifting farther than I ever did before.

First of July

my favorite day
and my favorite sorrow
a love was born
a love that was borrowed
for a while
you were my own
and now i have to carry on
the first of july will forever stay
in my head today
unspoken lines for you, ex-love..

happy birthday.

 

 

 

April Jed 070115

Strangers

We are.

non-existing..
a love that was.

We are.

casualties of war..
in a world that often changes.

We are.

a dimming light..
a forgotten adventure.

We are.

a ghost of each other’s past..
a memory of the last chapter.

We are strangers.

 

 

April Jed 6/24/15