You might have heard this cliche of a story. You probably would say that people who stay in this kind of relationships are either stupid or too dumb.
I’m neither. All I know is that I love him.
He cannot fully love me back.
Why you ask?
Guilt. Fear. Shame. Self-loathing.
These are the things that kept us apart. He is all that.
And I, I feel trapped.
I can’t fully move on. I can’t fully heal. I can’t be fully happy.
There are days when I feel like I am dying. I feel unloved and unwanted. Yet I keep giving love that is and never will be given back to me in return.
No it’s not.
It’s not okay.
I can’t breathe anymore.
I need love.
I need to be loved.
I want love.
Or I will die.
But the one person that I need in this world is someone I cannot and no longer have.
I am breaking into small pieces.
And bit by bit.. I am fading away.
I dont want to fade away.
I don’t want to be “just a memory”..
I want to be his life. The one he holds close. The one he holds hands and kisses good night.
I want to be the one he sleeps into.
I want to be the one..
But my desire to be needed by him is such a losing game.
Though I bargained all my chips and cards.
Now I feel like drowning. The saltiness of the sea filling my nose and lungs that no matter how hard I fight to live, to breathe.. I am sinking, slowly, suddenly and all at once.
I am dying.
I crave for his attention.. his focus.. his goal. I crave for his arms when I know I could never belong there.
I crave for his lips. I crave for the toxic kisses that sent me dying and living.
I crave for him.
And now I can’t be there.
I can’t have him anymore.
I can’t have his love.
I am dead.
I am dead to him.
I am dead to myself.
I am gone.
April Jed 042316