Broken Jars

our spirits are unbreakable
like thunder and lightning, we go together..
and Zeus must be so proud
our souls are unbroken
yet time is not our friend
it never was

but you are my red strings of fate
forever tangled but never cut
coiled in many ways
our paths are astrayed
yet our minds are one

our hearts are set for something greater
perhaps not even at all
but i know that where your heart is
i am also
and the cycle goes

i will wait for the day when we can tell them our story
tell the world our love
of how it was, of how it was not and how it came to be
one day i wont be wishing for that day..
one day i wont be singing sad songs..
because i will be yours and you will be mine
our souls shall intertwine.

 

 

 

April Jed 061416

10 Year Confession

To the person who took my soul,

I have always loved you. I know I have, even from the very first time that I met you. The only problem is, I loved you way too much that I lost a part of myself.

I have always wanted you to love me the way I had loved you.. to have the same passion and dedication that I had given you.

I wanted you to look at me and tell me you love me. I wanted you to hold me even when I am not asking for it. I wanted you to held my hand so I dont have to look for yours. I wanted you to kiss me, passionately.. exceedingly.. I wanted you to write me poems and songs.. and even if you didn’t had the words, I would understand.. I wanted you to need me.. to want me the way I had wanted you.. to hold me as close as I have wanted you to.. but I.. all I ever had were cold shoulders and blank canvasses.. I never had flowers.. I never had surprises.. I never had romantic walks on the beach or poetries before we sleep.. just the cold side of the bed.. You never gave me sweet glances.. you never gave me kisses.. I had to work for them just so I can have your lips. I had to be patient and wait for your time.. I was always the second choice and never the first.

I had always wondered if you ever loved me. Or was that you pretending for the last 10 years? I guess you have to figure that out now.

Fuck off, loser.

 

 

 

April Jed 060216

How it Feels Like to Love Someone Who Can’t Fully Love You Back

You might have heard this cliche of a story. You probably would say that people who stay in this kind of relationships are either stupid or too dumb.

I’m neither. All I know is that I love him.

Yet..

He cannot fully love me back.

Why you ask?

Guilt. Fear. Shame. Self-loathing.

These are the things that kept us apart. He is all that.

And I, I feel trapped.

I can’t fully move on. I can’t fully heal. I can’t be fully happy.

There are days when I feel like I am dying. I feel unloved and unwanted. Yet I keep giving love that is and never will be given back to me in return.

That’s okay.

No it’s not.

It’s not okay.

I can’t breathe anymore.

I need love.

I need to be loved.

I want love.

Or I will die.

But the one person that I need in this world is someone I cannot and no longer have.

I am breaking into small pieces.

And bit by bit.. I am fading away.

I dont want to fade away.

I don’t want to be “just a memory”..

I want to be his life. The one he holds close. The one he holds hands and kisses good night.

I want to be the one he sleeps into.

I want to be the one..

But my desire to be needed by him is such a losing game.

I lost.

Though I bargained all my chips and cards.

I lost.

Now I feel like drowning. The saltiness of the sea filling my nose and lungs that no matter how hard I fight to live, to breathe.. I am sinking, slowly, suddenly and all at once.

I am dying.

I crave for his attention.. his focus.. his goal. I crave for his arms when I know I could never belong there.

I crave for his lips. I crave for the toxic kisses that sent me dying and living.

I crave for him.

And now I can’t be there.

I can’t have him anymore.

I can’t have his love.

I can’t.

I am dead.

I am dead to him.

I am dead to myself.

I am gone.

Gone forever.

 

 

 

 

April Jed 042316

Hello, I am Here to Remind You That You are Special

Hello, I’m back from the dead. It’s been a while since I last posted ANYTHING in this blog. Life got busy for me and I always find it hard to gather my thoughts and write something.

I’m still here. Just taping together the remains. Still struggling. Still fighting. Maybe one day I will wake up to something that I want in my life but for now, this is a constant struggle.

I am not ashamed to say that I am still battling my chronic depression. It’s not easy but who said it’s easy anyway? I know you are suffering from the same condition as I am and I would like to tell you that it’s okay to feel this way as long as we pick ourselves and dont give up on something that we love to do. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to feel hopeless but whenever you find hope, grab on to them and use them whenever you can.

We are not alone, in fact, you and I are not the only ones in this boat and so, NEVER GIVE UP. If they can do it, we can too.

Just hang in there.

 

 

 

April Jed 041716

 

The Giver of Hearts

a resonating smile
built on hollow chest
a carefree laughter
rooted under an empty bliss
the fascination for life
has left her hoping
but deep inside there are holes left to be filled in

the scars are reminders
the scabs are torn
the wounds go deeper
the soul wounded like before

an empty house
sits an empty chair
she has given her heart of hears
what else can she bare?

 

 

 

April Jed 12/25/15

At Sea

I am a lonely soul.. often wondering and wandering.

I am drifting like I have never drifted before.. away from the shore and into the vast oceans of despair and loneliness.

My heart cries out to the moon.. to the spirits who have forgotten me.. to the souls of those who had left me..

I am longing.

To be held.. to be touched..

I ache for warmth.. for a slither of warm bodies.. for a kiss.. for an embrace.

I ache for company.. for the pleasure of being talked to.. to be loved.. yes to be loved.

I ache to be loved..

Yet, here I am.. constantly drifting.. farther.. and farther..

I am slowing fading.. losing my identity.. losing the very person that I am.

Somebody save me.. give me back my being.. give me back myself..

Somebody..

I am a lonely soul lost at sea. Drifting farther than I ever did before.

First of July

my favorite day
and my favorite sorrow
a love was born
a love that was borrowed
for a while
you were my own
and now i have to carry on
the first of july will forever stay
in my head today
unspoken lines for you, ex-love..

happy birthday.

 

 

 

April Jed 070115

Strangers

We are.

non-existing..
a love that was.

We are.

casualties of war..
in a world that often changes.

We are.

a dimming light..
a forgotten adventure.

We are.

a ghost of each other’s past..
a memory of the last chapter.

We are strangers.

 

 

April Jed 6/24/15

 

Clinomania

laying awake yet dozing off again
wandering without moving
caught in a daze..
i cling on to the sheets and the pillowtalks..
an absentee lover
a ghost of the past
a love that never came in full bloom
like a lion that lost its voice
i am clinging.. cringing.. dysfunctioning.. losing.. forgetting.. ending..

 

 

 

April Jed 050615 2:44am

Katapusan

Do you remember the first time that we met? that moment.. that very moment, my whole world stopped. My head and heart were on cloud 9.. The crowd was crazy and we almost didn’t saw each other but I know.. I know I would see you. Do you know that first glimpse I had of you? It was your left cheek, looking up at the exit sign while you were talking to me on the phone saying that “I’m here” – I screamed and you were caught by surprised when someone grabbed you and hugged you! I knew every angle of your face.. and I was very happy.. My whole world stopped. Time stopped for me and for once I never cared how I looked or who was looking at us or how tired I was waiting for you the whole day. YOU CAME.. all the way from the other side of the world. YOU ARRIVED. You travelled thousands of miles FOR ME… and that was the best gift I have ever received. Five years of waiting and it was worth it. I held you. I have you.. that’s all that matters. That’s the best memory of you and I.

I have bits and pieces of memories of us still kept away in a vault in my head. I am trying to forget them… I never knew I would though. I have always thought “this is it”.. and that I promised myself that I will hold on to you for as long as I can because I love you. However, like any other story, there are always surprises in the end. And I.. I thought I could save you.. save us because that’s what we’re supposed to do, right? Help each other not pull each other apart. But I guess that’s just me.. at least that’s how I thought it would be.. I understand that relationships aren’t supposed to be perfect.. people aren’t supposed to be perfect.. but.. I love you. At least that’s what kept me going. That love.. because I thought you loved me the same… or at least do the same for me. I guess it was just me.. I’m pretty stupid, right?

Reality is, I don’t know where I am going or what should I do with my life. It’s like starting all over again but with shackled feet.. everything is heavy. You said I should be happy, like it’s easy.. like I should take a shower and I will feel fine.. You say I deserve to be really happy .. what do you even know? You never knew anything about me.. you have no clue about who I am or what I gave you. The things I sacrificed, the time I spared, the chances I gave, the love I have given.. all of those cannot be replaced. I kept asking myself.. I kept wondering.. and I am right.. you and I are unfinished business.. and it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

There’s no actual closure for us. Nothing at all. The only thing I know I can see are broken hearts and spirits. Things are not the same, yes. You go on with your life and I go on with mine and yet, I continue to love you.. I continue to love you.Perhaps this is the cross I have to bear till the day I die.. and knowing that you are not in my life is the hardest fact I have to face. I don’t care who’s right or who’s wrong; all I know is that we are two people who cannot be together anymore and that kills me. It kills me because everyday, I have to move on with my life without you in it. Without the person I have loved so much that I would gladly give up my life just to make things okay for you and yet, you never really thought about that.. and so, we close this chapter. We seal up our lives. We go separate ways. We endure. We survive…

And yet, there’s that part of me that screams out your name every single time.. A part of me that hasn’t surrendered the fight even though I lost the battle.. a part of me that loves you truly, deeply and unconditionally.. a part of me that will never die.. and it kills me over and over again.

 

I will forever wonder about you.

 

 

 

April Jed 50215